World Cancer Day

Why would a person surround themselves with people who have been touched by cancer? How could you sleep at night knowing that someone you just met may be in their last stages of life? Is there a way to shut off your emotions and just be on auto pilot? No.

The fact is if you're involved in an event that is fundraising for some type of disease there's always heartache attached. There's always a baseline for your involvement, but as the years float by we are forced to add another name to the list of reasons why we extend ourselves to the [insert your cause here] community.

To some it may be "just another name" but to us, these names are connected to beautiful souls. Some of them fought the good fight and lost, and some are here with us fighting through it or celebrating their victory. Whatever the case, we become entrenched in our fundraising and advocacy efforts. Nobody does this to be better than anyone; we do it to better everyone.

If you're blessed enough to say you've never been touched by cancer then I will confidently guarantee that me and my fundraising friends are out there begging dollar for dollar to reach our fundraising goals. This is all so that you can always say you've never been touched by cancer. The statistics say that you will eventually be directly affected. We are working every day to change that, and change doesn't come quickly, easily, or for free.

Heaven forbid you need the resources that come from the fundraising dollars we raise, know that your donation was at least in part due to what lead that resource available. Now it becomes full circle. Perhaps now it means a little bit more to you when someone asks for a donation than it did before you were affected. You see we have been directly affected, we do not want the same for you!

Today is World Cancer Day, and yesterday, today, and tomorrow the dark fact of the matter is that we are losing people to this disease. We have come a long, long way, yes, but there is still work to be done, and quite honestly, you are the person that can help keep the wheels turning on the bus. I'll drive the bus, but I need you to pay for the gas. Next time I or anyone else asks for a donation, please consider this blog posting. Asking for money for a cause isn't easy but neither is cancer, and the progress we're making is substantial. Please do not assume your donation isn't necessary. If everyone thought that we'd never raise a single dollar. Likewise, do not assume that because money has been raised it's enough; it's not. Until there's a cure for all I will keep asking.


Please make a donation today. It's not for me, it's for all of us. Thank you!

www.the3day.org/goto/aubreys30th

A piece of my time

When I picked up my coffee this morning it took me extra long. It's funny because I told my coworkers I was "Going for a super duper fast coffee run. Be right back!" I was gone for half hour; it should have been 10 minutes.

When I pulled up to the window I was greeted by a girl with a dirty blonde bob hair cut, a cute but raggedy old sweater, and a layered top in Seahawks colors. Her name was Kate.

Kate and I talked about our boys bringing home the Lombardi, our dreams, our work, charity work, and good coffee. We shared common interests,  laughed, and got choked up about passionate subjects.

I admit that at first I was hoping we could hurry things up. I had a mountain of work at home to do and did say I'd be back quickly. But as she went on I suddenly realized that I just needed to let go and be chatty with her. The work would be there when I got back to my desk.

We talked about her recovery, religion versus spirituality, and what real friendships are made of. By the end of the conversation it was like we were old friends.

Just before I pulled away she said "It's people like you that give me hope. Thank you."

What had I done to deserve such sweet admiration? I gave her a piece of my time and a smile. Nothing more, nothing less. Really, that was all that she was asking for. I allowed myself to be fully present on the conversation instead of rushing home like I had planned to do.

Next time someone is asking for a piece of your time I hope you give it to them. I know I will think twice about rushing off again.

Giving Tuesday

Regardless of your religion, this time of year is wildly celebrated by many. It's a time of year that we wait for; it's Christmastime. The spookiness of Halloween has drifted by and the sleepy leftovers from Thanksgiving are dwindling away rapidly. Black Friday (or Thursday) and Cyber Monday have both made a dent in many of our wallets and for some, we're still planning on grabbing a few last minute gifts. If you're anything like me, you wished your paycheck was bigger this time of year so you could spend a bit more on your loved ones. Then it quickly dawned on me and I was embarrassed by my greed; I should have just been thankful that I had money to spend at all. A lot of people don't.

As much as we want to give to others during this magical time of the year I think as human beings we get wrapped up in wanting more. It's always with good intention, of course. We want to give our loved ones the best there is, some of us fight for the last deal, some of us stand in line for hours just to get the hot item, some of us say "I wish I had more money to spend."

There are many of us that are wishing for something materialistic this time of year, and that's a human response to a question when someone asks what we want. I'm not saying we shouldn't allow someone to gift give. Where's the fun in that, right? You're probably reading this from your computer or on a mobile device (since there's no other way to read this). That, my friend, is a luxury item and it's an item a lot of people don't have. An item that is a sign of wealth, of good living, and of luck by people in this world that cannot afford those items. So let's just remember that when we get mad at our "smart" phones for being stupid. We have a phone to use that allows us to connect just about anywhere in the world we want, and pretty rapidly with all things considered.

It's Giving Tuesday, my friends. I ask that you give to someone or something a bit outside the box today. There's an enormous variety of charitable causes that could use your support and many of them aren't asking for big bucks. You see, these folks have mastered how to make a dollar stretch. We should really take a page out of their books. Consider giving to one or some of these today. Perhaps you'll learn something new and find a new passion you didn't know was there. Below I've listed only a handful of organizations but of course, feel free to research and give to who you're passionate about. The point is, just give.

Don't think you've got much to give? Trust me, these people don't care about the dollar amount you share. If you truly cannot afford to part with money then perhaps you could volunteer your time. Follow your heart and give where you can. Don't forget to spread the good word.

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. - Winston Churchill

Retired Retrievers http://retiredretrievers.org/donate/
Wounded Warrior Project http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/
Locate a local food bank www.feedingamerica.org
Mental health clinic
MS Society http://www.nationalmssociety.org/index.aspx
Komen www.komen.org
Go Fund Me (two little boys that suddenly lost their mother) http://www.gofundme.com/5gtj8o
Locate a local Domestic Violence shelter
Down Syndrome http://www.globaldownsyndrome.org/
Autism www.autismspeaks.org
Go Fund Me (An amazing lady who is struggling with the cost of cancer) http://www.gofundme.com/wehearttracydart
Seattle Children's Hospital http://www.globaldownsyndrome.org/
Invisible Children www.invisiblechildren.com

You mad, bro?

People get mad about the wrong things. I’m one of those people but I try really hard not to be. I never used to dissect the reasons for being angry because it was just easier to assume that I was mad for a good reason. When you put it under a microscope things typically turn out much differently. I had to start pulling things apart to see what the real issue was. Am I really angry or did I get my feelings hurt and it’s easier to show anger than cry about it? Was I mad at the person or was I mad at the situation? Is it rational to even be upset? Is it something I can change or control because if it isn’t, then why bother being angry? These  sound like simple questions but sometimes the answers are hard but without asking yourself the above you’re going to continue to waste your energy on things that may be a waste of your time. 

The same goes if someone is mad at you (or acting like they’re mad at you). You have to ask yourself, “Are they really mad at me or the situation we’re in?” “What could I have done to make it better, if anything?” “Should I really be taking this personally/are they misdirecting their anger?” If you ask yourself these questions it may save a relationship and allow you to let go of unnecessary worry and concern.  

It’s been said many times before but it’s true that tone and meaning is lost in anything other than face to face conversation. You can’t see if I’m smiling, laughing, crying, and you can’t tell if I’m being derogatory, sarcastic, or light hearted right now. You have no idea if I'm listening to Alice in Chains or listening to Johnny Mathis singing "Winter Wonderland." In actuality, you’re going to read this in the tone that you choose. So, if you’re feeling particularly defensive today, you may read this and feel like I’m telling you that you’ve sabotaged all of your relationships (or think this blog is about you - it's not). Ha! :) If you’re feeling lighthearted and reading this simply to pass the time, then you may feel like this is me just rambling, which is quite possible.

Stay warm, friends! It’s chilly (but beautiful) in Seattle today.

CREW: The rock behind the walk and how I couldn't have been more wrong.

“This is going to be awesome! I’m going to crew my first event.

No more aching feet.

No more aching back.

No more exhaustion.

Oh man, but I’m going to miss walking. It can't possibly be as fun as being on the route with all those people thanking you for walking. All the crazy signs and people won't be cheering me on, and I’m going to miss that, but that’s okay because this is going to make me a more well-rounded 3-Dayer. Now I can say I’ve seen it from both sides and encourage people to do both. I get the chance to give back to others in ways that they have given to me. This is going to be amazing!”

These were a few of the thoughts that blew through my mind as I prepared to crew the 2013 San Diego 3-Day. I had no idea what I was in store for, which I was nervous about, but in hindsight, I had nothing to be nervous about at all. After being a 5 time walker, I could tell you whatever you needed to know about walking, what to expect, and how to pack but if you asked me about crew I could give you the basics and that’s about it. Crewing comes with:

Aching feet

Aching backs

Exhaustion

Here’s what else crew comes with gratitude, excitement, hard work, connectivity, communication, pride, friendships, laughter, flexibility, perseverance, and the unwavering propensity to bring breast cancer to its knees.  Sounds like many of the attributes that it takes to be a walker doesn’doesn't it?

There is a place for everyone at the Susan G. Komen 3-Day and each person’s job is important, imperative, and impactful. Simply stated, the 3-Day cannot happen without walkers, crew, volunteers, cheering stations, walker stalkers, and donors. Each group has a particular place in this event, much like a puzzle, we are each pieces of the big picture, all uniquely cut. Put us together and everything is clear, break us apart, and it’s hard to see where things may be going. For this very reason, we are a family.

Not once throughout my first crew experience did I wish I was out there walking. Not once did I feel unappreciated. Not once did I feel as if I was “missing out” because I chose to crew instead of walk. In fact, I thought “Why I haven't I done this sooner?” Did my feet hurt? Did my back get tight? Did I feel exhausted at the end of my day? You betcha! Will I crew again in 2014? You better bet your biscuits! Now that I've’ve learned the ropes a bit I will be even more excited now than I was before.

Some of you reading this already know how magnificent crew is, and I never had a doubt in my mind that I would have fun, but I was curious to see what I’d think of it after having walked 5 events. The two are equally fulfilling in different ways. The two are equally difficult in different ways. And since I’m such a big baby, I cried at closing just as I would have had I walked. I made new friends, strengthened already established friendships, learned lots of new things (about myself and the event), won top crew fundraiser, and left San Diego with a smile. Thank you to all that made San Diego what is was. May the magic of the 3-Day carry on into an impactful 2014! 

Down, way down

You’re like a gigantic anchor that weighs a million pounds, and you have a hook that always pierces my heart, mind, and soul. You, the anchor, drag me down to the surface of the ocean, way, way down to the very deep, dark bottom of the sea. Down there it’s cold, blind, and lonely. This place is full of unforgiving judgment, disappointment, and sadness. Down, way down.

Attached to your hook, I am stuck, but I have an overwhelming desire to break free and swim back to the top. At the top is where I can be above water, take a deep breath, and escape the darkness of you, the anchor, which pulls me down, way down.

Try as might, I am desperate to pull away, but I keep paddling and kicking like an eager puppy. For every 10,000 flutters I move a measly inch. I’m still stuck, still hooked by you, this anchor that pulls me down, way down.

I’ve been here before a time or two, I’m sorry to say. Somehow I manage to break the surface after what seems like a million years of paddling back up to the top. I shatter through the waterline, and I flail my arms and each time a lifeboat appears, and it rescues me from the place of darkness; the place that’s down, way down.

Here I am again, anchored to the bottom. The hook is dug deep into my heart, mind, and soul, and once again I must find the strength of 10,000 flutters to explode through the waterline and hail my lifeboat. This time I need it to take me so far away that I forget that I was ever at the bottom of that sea. I need to be taken to a desert, where water is scarce, and the land is dry. Perhaps if I was there you couldn’t hook me and pull me down, way down.

If my feelings were a song this would be it. The lovely Sara Bareilles sings it beautifully.

http://youtu.be/A_U6iSAn_fY

Raw Emotion

Sometimes the struggles of disappointment are too much to bear so we set our minds to act as if we aren't bothered by it. In actuality, internally, emotionally, it couldn't be further from the truth and the anguish burns deeply within us like a churning sun. A hot ball of fire burning angrily within the layers of our souls, slowly and painfully terrorizing our thoughts and forcing us to carefully calculate our every move for fear someone will ask us if we're doing okay. Afraid to say no, so we say yes, we are now liars in an already destructive and sometimes dishonest world. 

Wouldn't it be easier if we just let our emotions run rampant through the wind in the same way dandelions scatter when forced to through puckered lips? Why do we suppress these raw emotions on the outside yet let them ping pong relentlessly throughout our veins? Is it better for us to keep our feelings under the lid and allow them to violently boil under the surface? Better for whom? If we think we can't deal with the honesty externally then why do we shove it down so deep internally? As if our pockets weren't already full enough. By doing this we allow ourselves to ruin our the deepest layers of our being. Its destructive path throughout ourselves only deepens what is already damaged. Sometimes the ugly parts of life is what helps our beauty stand out.

I'll Never Forget Tom!

I stepped out for an 18 mile training walk this morning. I knew I wasn’t going to make it the whole way for a variety of reasons but I expected to do much more than the 5 miles I did put in. Due to many reasons including a 3:00 A.M. bedtime (I couldn’t fall asleep earlier than that) and feeling violently dizzy, nauseated, and overheated I decided that I better just be smart about it and let the group I was walking with get back to their training without worrying about me lagging behind.  Heather, if you’re reading this, thank you for making sure I was okay!

I called my husband to let him know I wasn’t feeling well and that I was on my way home. I pulled up Google Maps to find how to get back to my car since I was in unfamiliar territory, and started my jaunt back to the car. As I followed the road ahead of me I came to a point where what I call my “Native American Tracker senses” told me I should go right but the GPS said left. So, left I went. I passed a hospital and thought to myself “At least I’m in the right spot if I collapse out here by myself!” Just passed the hospital was a retirement home. As I passed that and headed up the hill something just didn’t feel right.

I went back down the hill towards the retirement home where I saw a maintenance man outside. I stopped him to tell him I wasn’t feeling well and that I was trying to get back to QFC where my car was parked. I secretly wished he had offered me a ride. I would have taken it! As sweet as he was, he was no help to me. He had no idea where the QFC was. Sigh.

For a moment after the maintenance man carried on with his day, I stared down at my phone. With a perplexing plea I said “Please God. Would you help me out here??” I started back in the opposite direction that my GPS was telling me to go because I believed that my car was back the other direction. Just as I was about to plop my nauseated, sweaty, and pitiful fanny down and cry about it I approached a man and woman in the parking lot of the hospital I had passed earlier.

“I’m so sorry to interrupt but…” “Are you in need of directions?” “Yes. My car is at QFC and I’m just hoping you can tell me if I’m going the right way or not?” The man started giving me directions in which were fairly easy to comprehend. I knew I’d be back at my car in no time. I was feeling hopeful! Then he said, “I’m going that way anyway. I’ll walk with you a bit.” I was pretty sure if this stranger was going to murder me he wouldn’t make me feel any crappier than I had at that moment anyway. He was very clean cut, he smelled nice, he had kind eyes, and he didn’t get too close. Off we went.

We began discussing why I wasn’t feeling well and he asked me a series of questions. Not that I asked him, but I was pretty sure he was a doctor. It only made sense, he was asking and saying all the right things. He asked me if I was stressed out at work. I said “No, just a lot of stressful things going on in my life right now but I’m okay.” We somehow got on the subject of my mom and brother and how my mom is currently a civilian contractor in Bagram, Afghanistan and how my brother is a C-130 Crew Chief at Hurlburt Field, FL. He was very impressed by my family and even called them “patriots.” He told me to be sure I thanked them for him and told me to hug them tight the next time I see them. Ha! No problem!

As we winded through the streets I realized we came upon the QFC. We took the route exactly as he had told it to me. I turned to thank him. I shook his hand and told him I couldn't have made it without him and it was a pleasure to speak with him. I told him I appreciated him taking time out of his day to help a lost walker find her way. He smiled and replied “Oh, it’s no problem at all! I've got nowhere else to be. I’m homeless.” Without missing a beat, he wished me well, turned, and walked away without looking back. Stunned, I walked through the parking lot to my car, got in, and cried.

He didn't want anything from me except conversation. If he had, I think he would have made a point to tell me he was homeless in the beginning. Instead, with his cup of coffee in hand, we walked through the nice neighborhood together chatting about my life, not his. It was the best ¾ of a mile I’ve ever walked and I’ll never forget it.

Now, before anyone comments on how I shouldn't trust him or shouldn’t have shared what I did about my family with him, please don’t even go there. That defeats the purpose of this story. As a society, many of us are so judgmental. Maybe it’s not deliberate but it happens. I judged him today. My mother would be ashamed of me if she knew I had judged someone by their looks. No, he didn't LOOK homeless and he didn't ask me for my money or my food. In fact, he didn’t ask me for anything. He wanted my company and he wanted to be a Good Samaritan and help a hobbling walker find her way. We were in a good neighborhood so I judged that too. I figured I was in a safe place and that anyone I saw along the way would be safe for me to ask for help.

Normally, I wouldn't have trusted anyone but I think that’s the criminal justice (almost) graduate in me. I was disoriented and sick. I wanted to get back to my car so bad that I damn near asked a stranger for a ride. In the words of Dr. Phil “What the hell was I thinking?!?”

We can be a jaded society. Sometimes we don’t trust people we don’t know, sometimes we think that some people are only out to advance themselves in one way or another; sometimes we classify people before we get to know them. How shameful.

At first, I was pretty bummed I ended up feeling so sick with only about 3 ½ miles in. Between my route back to the car and the section I got lost in I ended up with 5 miles. The best part of that was the ¾ of a mile I walked with…Tom? He looked like a Tom so that’ll be his name. Had I not gotten sick, had I not decided to turn back to the car in the spot I did, had I not have pitifully asked God for his help as I stood in front of the retirement home, had I not asked Tom for his help when I approached the hospital for the second time, I wouldn’t have learned the valuable lesson I did today. I’ll never be bummed about the progress I make on a walk again, big or small, but more importantly I’ll never forget Tom. 

The People Pleaser

The people pleaser in me is starting to make an exit. Actually, it started earlier this year but I don't think very many people noticed but now they are. I don't know that it’s an unwelcomed change but it’s not something that people are used to, myself included. As I said in my previous blog post, I can’t keep running around like a crazy person. I’m practicing saying no more often. When someone who has been a yes girl for so long says no I think it catches people off guard. They automatically think it’s because I’m mad at them or I’m trying to be rude. I feel like I’m expected to be in attendance.

With that said, I realize it’s my own fault that I’ve created this image of someone who agrees to be in 100 places at one time but those days are over. It used to be that saying yes to something that would benefit others meant that I would put my needs/wants/responsibilities on the back burner. I made that choice. Nobody forced me to do that.

Here’s a happy thought…as each day passes we are all dying. Regardless of ailment, age, or timing, we get closer to our passing as each moment zooms passed us. Moments don't get second chances. We have one life and in a day and age where we can readily get more of [insert desires here] relatively easily; time is one of those things that doesn't refresh. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

I guess one of the biggest reasons I kept running around for so long was because I was trying to prove myself to…myself? I don't really care what other people think of me but I'm my own worst critic. I guess I was hoping that if I ran myself into the ground doing good things and never missing anyone’s anything and going to school/working/commuting/3-Day/volunteering/etc that I wouldn't feel like a nobody. Then people started saying “You're so amazing….”

For one thing, I didn't do any of that stuff to LOOK amazing, and for another thing, I never FELT amazing about it. I felt tired but I didn't want to look like a failure by pulling away from whatever. Isn't that stupid? Yes. So, in a way, I did care about what people thought but only in the sense of disappointment. I didn't want to be the reason why anyone was disappointed. It was okay to abuse myself as long as I was making someone else happy. It’s the people pleaser syndrome.

I let myself get out of control and it’s time for me to reel myself back in and I know it’s going to take some getting used to but the end result will be worth it. I’d rather be someone that is with you, giving you my undivided attention, without thinking about the fact that I’ve got to get going because I have to be on my way to the next excursion or feeling guilty because I should be doing homework. Wouldn’t you rather spend your time with someone that wants to be fully present in the moment over someone who gives you a small piece of themselves? 

Back to Basics...

I've been reflecting on my 20’s a lot lately. I’m about to turn 30 in October and I’m trying to figure out what the next steps for my life should be. My husband and I see eye to eye on almost everything; not that we’re perfect but it’s nice to have the same values.

I failed a lot in my early 20’s. A lot a lot!

I spent the better half of my 20’s trying to restore myself from the inside out. A very long time ago I stopped caring about what people thought of me. I mean, for the most part. I think all of us can agree that there’s at least a teensy bit of interest on that subject but for the most part – I never care what people think of me, my appearance, or my choices. I am confident enough to know that more often than not my choices are healthy, positive, and respectful.

It’s easy for me to spot ingenuity.

I know who my friends are. I know who my foes are. I know who the phonies are too. I don’t need to point any of those people out. They all know who they are and I’m fine with leaving it at that. In my recent reflective thoughts I've decided that, in my 30’s, I will spend more time making memories with the people I love…and the people who love ME!

In my 30’s my plan is to go back to basics. Some people aspire to be famous. Some work themselves silly for material things such as clothes, cars, expensive vacations, and other “things” and while I wouldn't dare even dream to condemn the friends that I have for desiring those things; it’s just not for me. It’s not right, wrong, or indifferent. Let’s not get crazy. I’m not planning to live in a cardboard box and eat government cheese.

I just want to focus on a more wholesome lifestyle.

Admittedly, I’m not quite sure what that looks like down to the minute detail but I see the bigger picture and I like it. I suppose the smaller details will come to me in time, with trial and error, the organic way. Yes, please!

I will say “no” more often.

I've already begun this trend and for those of you who have followed me the last several years, you’ll know that for me to say “no” is almost unheard of. The truth is I’m tired. I’ll warn you now. I’m going to start being that last minute RSVP friend. To tell you the truth, I don’t want to be expected to show up, help out, or plan/organize/execute anything.  Note: That doesn't mean I won’t do those things. I just don’t want to be expected. There’s a huge difference there.

I’m fixing what is broken.

Any one of you that has suffered any type of abuse (physical, mental, verbal, etc) can attest to this – it takes a really long fricken time to mend those wounds. Some may be self-inflicted and some may be brought on by some asshole. I've got to deal with both once and for all.

When I wake up I need to feel like my slate is clean.

I've spent too much time saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, reacting the wrong way, internalizing everything, self-medicating with food, and beating myself up. I need to let that go. Easier said than done but it’s possible and I've got an entire decade to peel back those layers and make myself whole again.

I’m incredibly blessed and I know it.

I've got a tremendous amount of good in my life. I know that. I’m blessed to have that. Nobody can take that away from me. Neener neener! I have a “job” that lets me help others Every. Single. Day. The people I interact with inspire me on the daily. It’s unsolicited inspiration, too. It comes so naturally. It’s empowering. I have a family you couldn't get me to trade for anything in this world. I love my family! My friends understand me, they encourage me, they make me laugh, and I really LOVE to laugh. My husband is my best friend. If these walls could talk…oh boy! We laugh and joke with each other constantly. There’s not a day that goes by that we’re not having a meaningful conversation and laughing hysterically. No, we’re not perfect. Yes, we argue. No, I wouldn't trade him for ANYONE!

This blog isn't about me being emo.

This blog is about the epiphanies I have been having lately and since I’m such a “sharer” I thought I’d put these thoughts out there for you to do with them what you want. Back to my original thought; I want my 30’s to be about Back to Basics. I will try new recipes. I will spend an entire weekend making all those cute things I pinned (they won’t come out the same as they look online but that’s not what’s important). I will keep my calendar clear and pop in for friends events if I’m free from laying around watching TV, having dates with my husband, not doing crafts, not reading, etc.

This sounds like I’m leaving everyone behind.

Not at all. As I said before, I want my 30’s to be about making memories with people I love but in order for me to do that I need to be in a good place. I can’t be running around like a crazy person all the time anymore. I just won’t do it. That said, I think it’ll mean more if I can drive to one of my best gal pals house in Elma (a REALLY long way from my house) to sit and visit for the day. I won’t just be seeing her for an event and then rushing off to another event.

Quality over quantity.

So there ya have it! Clear as mud, right? I once dreaded turning 30. I couldn't believe I was hitting that milestone and I complained at every chance I got. Then, a beautiful young lady said that her only goal was to make it to 30 years old. She was battled stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Her name was Bridget and she passed away on April 4^, 2013. July 16^th would have been her 30^th birthday. Nobody should ever pray to make it to such a young age. I realized I had wasted the beginning of my 20’s on stupidity and now, at 29, I look back and see how much personal growth I've had this decade. Between becoming a wife, a full time student, embarking on the ever-amazing and life changing 3-Day, taking care of my mom through her heroic battle with breast cancer (and deploy to the Middle East FOUR times), watching my “little” brother proudly serve our country, seeing my nieces and nephews grow faster than I’d like, watching my friends find their place in this world (and in my heart), and obtaining the job of a lifetime late last year, I have grown in so many ways. Everyone has taught me a valuable lesson (or two). Each of you matter to me in some way or another. If you didn't, you wouldn't be reading this.

On October 26^th I will turn 30. It’s all about Back to Basics.

Giving Back

Nobody encouraged me to get involved, but it felt like the right thing to do, and it was. When we begin giving back to our community on the premise that we are giving of ourselves and not to receive personal gain, it ends up backfiring in the most positive of ways. We receive so much more than we gave. The gifts are not on a retail shelf or on the hottest dot com websites.  Instead, they are gifts of emotion, purpose, connectivity, aspiration, and the gift of hope.

So why do we stay involved? If we’re not receiving tangible gifts then why aren’t we spending our free time with a good book, vacationing, or playing Candy Crush Saga? It’s likely because we have become addicted to relationships and personal growth we have received when we become part of something that is bigger than ourselves. In other words, it’s called loyalty.

Simply put, when we give to others we also receive. It has become emphatically clear to me that my purpose on this earth is not self-fulfillment through television, shopping, or by spending many hours a day on the internet. Rather, it’s about waking up every morning, and before my feet hit the floor I ask myself “What can I do to help someone today?”

This is not meant to be self-centered, but I think that if more people asked themselves (and their friends) this question every day (even once a week), the world would be a lot better off. So this is my daily food for thought, my friends. Thanks for listening to another one of my ramblings.

It must be because...

I haven't blogged in awhile. I guess life has just been a little too crazy lately. We know about all of the horrid tragedies in the world that have been striking lately but let me also remind you of a tragedy that my friends and I fight for every single day.

Cancer.

Breast cancer is a tragedy. I have recently seen it take the lives of people who are good.  There are many beautiful things in this world there but  aren't as many people who are genuinely as good as these people like Bridget Spence or others who are battling or who have battled. There's a special place in Heaven for people who have battled disease. Some of you think that you're invincible from disease and I hope to God that you're right.

I hope you never see a chemo chair.
I hope you never have to lose your hair. 
I hope. I hope. I hope. 

Is hope a good enough avenue to travel down? If we hope long enough will we get what we want? Perhaps but I believe that hope has to be paired with determination and faith. When combined, it's a cocktail being shot down the back of your throat except it lands in your soul, heart, and mind. It's not something to go into your stomach and be digested. Hope is an dream. Determination is an action. Faith is a choice.

In 2010, I had unshakable determination to complete my first Susan G. Komen 3-Day. Failure was never an option. It just simply never crossed my mind. I took a blind leap of faith and embarked on a journey that I thought would only do good for others, not do good for me. Boy, was I wrong. The choice that I made that dreary January evening would be a choice that would change my entire life; I just didn't know it at the time. Eight months later, after training my feet off, after raising well past my $2300 fundraising goal, my mother was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. And through my unrelenting anger, sadness, and confusion I chose to focus on hope. It was all I really had. I had to forge ahead. I had to choose hope over hate.

I don't just walk for breast cancer. I walk for all cancer. I fight for all who are diseased. 

So here I am in April of 2013; a changed young woman. I know the world of breast cancer (and other cancers) far more than what I had ever desired to know. Far more than I would have ever planned to know. I beg for your hard earned money. Why do you think that is? It must be because:

• I've been in a doctor's office when a cancer diagnosis was given
• It must be because I've been to doctor's appointment after doctor's appointment deciphering jargon I can't even spell, let alone pronounce so I can make sure I keep it all straight
• It must be because I've seen what chemotherapy and medications can do to a person (the good and the bad)
• It must be because I've slept on the floor next to my mom's bed during a cold night in November just so I can make sure I was right there if she needed anything the first night home from her double mastectomy
• It must be because I've heard the words "Is my mom going to die?" play in my mind 1,000 times
• It must be because I've seen people die from this (too many times)
• It must be because I've seen people that have lost friends, mothers, daughters, sisters, brothers, aunts, partners, teachers, and wives to this and it's too heart-wrenching to watch again
• It must be because no matter how hard I hug someone I can't take their cancer away

Make no mistake, folks. These are not complaints. These are reasons. I've got plenty of reasons why I could choose not to be involved. All I'd have to do would be to turn on the excuses faucet and they'd flow out like Niagara Falls.

Now, if you can find it in your heart to open your wallet and make a donation then I'll continue to stand by my reasoning for doing this. I'll tell you what. Even if you don't open up your wallet I'll still stay involved. You know why? Because everyone deserves a lifetime!

www.the3day.org/goto/seattleaubrey
There is no donation to large or too small. Thank you! 

Rise above

I spoke to a lady today who was kind, funny, and down to earth. She and I chatted for nearly 20 minutes and the time swept passed me before I knew it. As we're discussing the huge involvement in the 3-Day her family has had over the years she told me why they chose to crew this year instead of walk. She proceeded to tell me a story that welled my eyes with tears and filled my throat with a lump.

A few weeks ago her husband fell down 10 stairs and landed on his head. He didn't break a single bone but he has memory loss. Did you ever see 50 First Dates? Every morning when he wakes up he doesn't remember anything except his wife and son - thank God! Over the last few weeks she has had to give him a play by play of what day it is, where they are, what he does on a daily basis, and all of the normal things that we take advantage of.

She went on to tell me that her husband was a fire fighter a few years back but got hurt on the job and therefore, his career ended. For the last two years he's been working his tail off to get his degree. They've made sacrifices as a family for her to be the only one working full time so he can get back to work after obtaining his degree. Graduation is set for May but with his recent brain injury they don't know when he'll graduate now.

Not for a single second did her voice crack. Not for a single second was she feeling sorry for herself. Not for a single second did the smile leave her voice. What an amazing family these people are! It was incredibly inspiring to hear how strong they have been. She did tell me that the memory loss isn't permanent and in about 6 months he should be recovered.

Setbacks are a part of our life. No matter what we do to avoid them the fact of the matter is that it will happen to us. Will you throw in the towel and give up or will you choose to rise above?

Food is a 4 letter word

Food. 

It's a 4 letter word and it's my biggest addiction. Even worse than that...eating. I'm addicted to eating. I love to eat (clearly) and it's difficult for me to walk away from food or the action of eating. I'm also an emotional eater, except when I'm mad. I won't eat when I'm mad because I enjoy eating so much that I don't want to miss out on the bliss. Maybe I should be mad more often. Wait. No. That's counter productive.

I have struggled with food addiction for as long as I can remember. Some people think it's a made up thing and to those people I say, well, never mind. I'll keep that to myself. This is something I don't really talk about because it's something that consumes me negatively. I try so hard to live positively and although I'm nowhere near perfect I'm at least trying. You get so much further with positivity but it took me a very long time to realize that.

For me, the thought of eating is exciting to me and when it's finally time for food to mouth - UGH I'm in total bliss. The action of eating engulfs me with soothing comfort and happiness. I love to eat. Now, don't get me wrong. It's not that I'll sit there and eat 42 bowls of mashed potatoes. It's just that I love food. Some people love food and are thin. I love food and I'm fat. I've always been large - just not this large. I realize there are a few factors that have contributed to this, some I'm not ready to speak publicly about, but one factor is that sense of joy I get when I eat.

Being addicted to food is like being in prison. It's my own personal hell. I'm locked inside of something and although I can see out, I'm kept back by something so strong that I can't seem to break through it. I can reach out and almost touch success but I get pushed back in my cell. For some, their time in prison is short. They get out and get better. For others, it's a lifelong sentence. I don't want this to be a lifelong sentence for me. I turn 30 this year. Time for me to get out of the joint!

It's hard for me to think critically about it but I do quite a bit. Constantly beating myself over the head about it. I say to myself "If you can be on the Dean's List since 2010, if you can lead a team to the Top 10 teams list for the Seattle 3-Day, if you can land your dream job, then why can't you lose weight?" And another thing is that people have said some of the nicest things a person would ever want to hear said about them and I can't believe any of it because I'm so trapped inside of my fat brain to realize that they actually mean it. I don't want the compliments to stop but at the same time I just don't know how to take it. I feel like they're talking about someone else. I get very uncomfortable when being given recognition. Clearly, someone of my size can't possibly be "inspiring, smart, creative, or kind" like they say I am. No. That's not me. Great. Now I look like I'm living a lie. They'll figure it out some day and then I'll look like a fake. Wonderful.

Doesn't that sound crazy? It is crazy. Those are the things that run through my head pretty much every single day. I call it my fat brain because I swear it's like my fat wants to consume my thoughts too. What an asshole. *Sigh.* I guess I'm writing this because there are few people I've ever discussed this with and feel like there may be others out there feeling the same way. So many times I've wished I knew how to find someone that thought/felt the same way so we could work on it together.

I've got a few good friends I've spoken to about this and I treasure you. More than you could possibly know, I treasure you. For those of you who are reading this and laughing at me, that's okay. It wouldn't be the first time and it most certainly won't be the last. That's okay. My happiness does not depend on the acceptance of others (anymore and thank God for that). I'd love to hear from you if you're anything like me or if you think I'm just crazy.

I will say I'm not looking for someone to throw a diet or exercise regimen at me as a result of this blog. I know what I need to do and I've already started. I'm down 15 pounds since October and I've been making little changes every day. Regardless of what most of us think, something posted on Facebook doesn't make it real or true so if I'm posting on Facebook about it and lying or telling the truth that's neither here nor there. It won't get me anywhere by posting about it. I just do it because I'm sure you're all dying to know that I went for a walk or let Billy Blanks consume my morning. I'm kidding.

Food is a 4 letter word and it starts with the letter F.

*Note: If you leave a comment and want me to know who it is put your name after. Otherwise it just says anonymous.

A story for class

Had to write a short story for class. These were the instructions and under that is my story. Annnd go!

Create an imaginary person you want to write to in your journal. Alternately, it could be a real person, such as a child or a friend from grade school. Start the entry "Dear ___" as if you were writing that person a letter. Include face and hair details, eyes, body shape and size, and special characteristics, such as a cough or a limp. Put the person in action. You will be graded on the vividness of the detail and action. Detail! Detail!

Dear Helena,

I’m writing to you because I have news to share. While I was out in the stables cleaning up the hay I noticed someone approaching the barn from way off in the distance. It was a man walking with a crooked leg that gave him a deep limp with each step. As he came closer and closer I realize he vaguely reminded me of someone that I used to know. John has returned to us from war!

Truly, I thought I’d never see him again. I know that there has been quite a bit of time that has passed since we last received word from him. I was sure that he had perished but much to my enjoyment he has returned. His body is badly worn and decayed but I don’t think it’s anything a lot of rest won’t fix but we must be patient as his healing process will take some time.

His once fair skin has turned to ash, the strings of bright blonde hair are full of the earth, his bright blue eyes appear to be gray, and his strong structure seemed weakened due to malnourishment. He tells me they were without food for quite some time while out on the battle fields. I’m sure you’re wondering where the deep limp has come from. He won’t say anything other than he his platoon was hit with a canon. In fact, he’s not saying much at all. I sometimes wonder if he’s okay mentally. This was a tough battle but I’ll take him any way I can get him.

He asked about you. He had hoped you would return home after your trip to the cape but I told him you have not given an expected return date because you have found work and friends there. He’s in too delicate of a state for us to tell him that you fell victim to yellow fever. When he is healed I will show him the box of letters that I have written to you and keep close to my heart for safe keeping. I will explain to him that other than you watching us from above the letters are now the only way we can communicate. I hope you are resting in peace.

Love,

Kate

Running with vampires

Are you running with vampires? No, I'm not referring to Twilight. Vampires are said to suck the blood and ultimately the life out of people. If you're surrounded by people who suck the life out of you then you're not moving forward.

I had a brief dream last night about vampires (I have no idea why) and although nothing profound happened in the dream I woke up thinking about people who can be toxic to us in life and all the different forms those people come in. For some of us it's happened with a friend, co-worker, or family member. It could also come in the form of a quick yet painful encounter that leaves you irritated, sad, or angry. Maybe someone in the store parking lot took the last up close spot there was and now you get to walk in the rain from the back of the lot. That's just an example but I don't think I need to provide examples of people who have got the better of us. It has happened to all of us a time or two.

I'm not sure why I had the dream. I wasn't watching Twilight. I wasn't reading Twilight. I wasn't thinking of Robert Pattinson. And I wasn't watching any vampire movies. However, I will say that I thought it was an interesting insight from a random dream. So, are you running with vampires?

Gift

I think that as a society we are moving too quickly and six months ago I was wound so tight I started coming apart at the seams. Unfortunately I chose to ignore it until it grew to be out of proportion. I have taken a giant step back and I'm learning to adjust to quieter times. I enjoyed all of the things I was doing but not in which the volume I was doing them. I realize that. Now. I'm still doing many of those things but not at the rate I was going. My epiphany was a gift.

I still have a lot to learn about letting go but it's something I'm working on. Nobody wishes they could let go more than I do. I care so much. Maybe too much. Maybe not. However, I get myself worked up over things that I can't change which is completely ridiculous and a waste of my time. Time is something we can never get back. It's an irreplaceable resource. Time is a gift. 

Too often we say "I don't have time" or "I wish we had more time" but I wonder if either of those lines is really true. I'm sure we mean it when we say those things but if we really meant it then why aren't we making it so? Is it really possible that we are so busy or wrapped up in our own lives that we can't take a second to reevaluate all that we are doing and say "this is not good for me and it's time for a revamp"? If you think about it isn't it selfish not to? Honesty is a gift.

I think about when we lose someone we love. We often tell ourselves "they deserved more time" or "I wish I had more time with them." If you're not making an effort to connect now then you're running a high risk of losing that chance later. Don't lose your chance. People are gifts.

It's not like I'm sitting on top of my high and mighty throne. This blog post is as much for me as it is for anyone else that might read it for what it is and say "yes, I think I'll try that." I have a few resolutions for 2013 that I'll share with you:
 

1. Be more thoughtful
2. Check in with people you love more often
3. Write and send hand written notes

If I send someone a hand written note saying "I'm thinking of you" or "I hope today is a great day for you" then that kills three birds with one stone. It's thoughtful. I'm checking in with people I love. I'm writing and sending hand written notes. Communication is a gift.

If I'm being completely honest here I'll add that I still am a little surprised at the amount of people that don't check in with each other. If you've experienced loss you should be checked on. If you're sick you should be checked on. If you're having a rough patch you should be checked on. If things in your life are wonderful you should be checked on. Checking in with people allows us to say "I care" without having to directly say that. It also sends the message that although we're all busy you still took time out of your life to say hello. Having someone to check in on is a gift.

So, here I am, challenging myself and you to be well connected. If you love or care for someone there's really no reason we shouldn't be more connected. I have well over 300 Facebook friends. I'd say about 20 of us actually speak. Why is that? If tools like Facebook are to be utilized for things such as staying connected then why aren't we plugged in? Connectivity is a gift.

Shirley and Felecia (with 2 "E's").

I began training for my new job on December 17, 2012 and I have enjoyed my job since that day. I didn't start taking calls until January 3, 2013 and wouldn't you know? I got a registration that day! I was so excited. The lady I spoke with was apprehensive at first but we talked through all of her questions and then she said "After speaking with you I feel that I really can do this 3-Day. Thank you!" It made me feel so good to know that because of our conversation she trusted in herself enough to be able to participate.

I have taken over 100 calls at this point and I can really say I have yet to feel like I'm "at work." I guess that saying is true; "do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life." How true it is! Already I've heard some incredible stories about why people are inquiring about the 3-Day. They really open up to you and it's beautiful and sometimes it's beautifully heart-breaking.

A few weeks ago I spoke with a lady who seemed a little low. I took a couple of extra minutes with her and it turns out she had just had a benign lump removed from her breast and she was on dialysis. She said she had been depressed for weeks worrying about life and what was next for her. She said nobody really understood how she was feeling and then she thanked me. When she said "You know, I've been pretty depressed lately but now I feel like I can actually have a good night for a change" I had a hard time holding back tears. I could hear the smile in her voice. It wasn't because she had paid me the compliment it was because she suddenly had that beaming smile in her voice and I couldn't help but smile too.

Then there was the lady that told me "I can't walk in the 3-Day because I'm in a wheel chair but I'm a cougar so I'll just have a man to push me the whole way." Hahaha! I loved her confidence. Then there was the man who cried because he had lost his wife to mesothelioma eleven years ago "but it still hurts every day." The pain in his voice made a crack in my heart.

There are a lot of people that make me smile throughout the day. I don't take calls for 8 hours a day (I'm blessed with a flexible schedule that allows me to do things in my work day that don't include phone time) but when I'm not on calls I'm thinking about the people I spoke with. I think about how they're doing and if they're okay.

Today was my first tough day. I spoke with patient after patient today. Lung cancer. Colon cancer. Brain cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. *sigh* It was hard to hold my tears back today. Not all of them are terminally ill. I enjoyed their positive outlooks even though I sensed a bit of uncertainty in their voices when they told me about their next steps. The lady with colon cancer is only 52 and it has metastasized. The doctors aren't sure what's next. Yet she called and said she wasn't sure if she could walk but if she's still alive when the 3-Day comes to Atlanta she wants to come to a cheering station to say "thank you." Her name was Felecia. Felecia with 2 "E's".

The lady with lung cancer is in her 70's, raising two grand children, and clings to her best friend for support. Her best friend is her husband and they've been married for 56 years. I'll be honest. She was not pleasant at first but I worked hard to engage with her because I sensed that she was hurting from something. Then we talked about her cancer and it made sense as to why she seemed so cold and rigid at first. She's earned the right to be pissed off. Before we got off the phone she thanked me. For what, I wasn't sure and then she said "you were such a pleasure to speak with" in her cold and rigid tone. "Thank you, Shirley and you as well!"

I realize how incredibly blessed I am. Every time I pick up the phone I get the chance to be told a story, to view the world from a patient's, caregiver's, a best friend's, a husband's, or a concerned child's point of view. With every call I get a chance to put a smile on someone's face and if it's a day they don't feel like smiling that's okay too. Maybe it's a day when the caller just wants to be heard and that's when I turn up my listening ears and close my mouth. Everyone needs a friend; just like Shirley and Felecia with 2 "E's".