The People Pleaser

The people pleaser in me is starting to make an exit. Actually, it started earlier this year but I don't think very many people noticed but now they are. I don't know that it’s an unwelcomed change but it’s not something that people are used to, myself included. As I said in my previous blog post, I can’t keep running around like a crazy person. I’m practicing saying no more often. When someone who has been a yes girl for so long says no I think it catches people off guard. They automatically think it’s because I’m mad at them or I’m trying to be rude. I feel like I’m expected to be in attendance.

With that said, I realize it’s my own fault that I’ve created this image of someone who agrees to be in 100 places at one time but those days are over. It used to be that saying yes to something that would benefit others meant that I would put my needs/wants/responsibilities on the back burner. I made that choice. Nobody forced me to do that.

Here’s a happy thought…as each day passes we are all dying. Regardless of ailment, age, or timing, we get closer to our passing as each moment zooms passed us. Moments don't get second chances. We have one life and in a day and age where we can readily get more of [insert desires here] relatively easily; time is one of those things that doesn't refresh. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

I guess one of the biggest reasons I kept running around for so long was because I was trying to prove myself to…myself? I don't really care what other people think of me but I'm my own worst critic. I guess I was hoping that if I ran myself into the ground doing good things and never missing anyone’s anything and going to school/working/commuting/3-Day/volunteering/etc that I wouldn't feel like a nobody. Then people started saying “You're so amazing….”

For one thing, I didn't do any of that stuff to LOOK amazing, and for another thing, I never FELT amazing about it. I felt tired but I didn't want to look like a failure by pulling away from whatever. Isn't that stupid? Yes. So, in a way, I did care about what people thought but only in the sense of disappointment. I didn't want to be the reason why anyone was disappointed. It was okay to abuse myself as long as I was making someone else happy. It’s the people pleaser syndrome.

I let myself get out of control and it’s time for me to reel myself back in and I know it’s going to take some getting used to but the end result will be worth it. I’d rather be someone that is with you, giving you my undivided attention, without thinking about the fact that I’ve got to get going because I have to be on my way to the next excursion or feeling guilty because I should be doing homework. Wouldn’t you rather spend your time with someone that wants to be fully present in the moment over someone who gives you a small piece of themselves?