The People Pleaser

The people pleaser in me is starting to make an exit. Actually, it started earlier this year but I don't think very many people noticed but now they are. I don't know that it’s an unwelcomed change but it’s not something that people are used to, myself included. As I said in my previous blog post, I can’t keep running around like a crazy person. I’m practicing saying no more often. When someone who has been a yes girl for so long says no I think it catches people off guard. They automatically think it’s because I’m mad at them or I’m trying to be rude. I feel like I’m expected to be in attendance.

With that said, I realize it’s my own fault that I’ve created this image of someone who agrees to be in 100 places at one time but those days are over. It used to be that saying yes to something that would benefit others meant that I would put my needs/wants/responsibilities on the back burner. I made that choice. Nobody forced me to do that.

Here’s a happy thought…as each day passes we are all dying. Regardless of ailment, age, or timing, we get closer to our passing as each moment zooms passed us. Moments don't get second chances. We have one life and in a day and age where we can readily get more of [insert desires here] relatively easily; time is one of those things that doesn't refresh. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

I guess one of the biggest reasons I kept running around for so long was because I was trying to prove myself to…myself? I don't really care what other people think of me but I'm my own worst critic. I guess I was hoping that if I ran myself into the ground doing good things and never missing anyone’s anything and going to school/working/commuting/3-Day/volunteering/etc that I wouldn't feel like a nobody. Then people started saying “You're so amazing….”

For one thing, I didn't do any of that stuff to LOOK amazing, and for another thing, I never FELT amazing about it. I felt tired but I didn't want to look like a failure by pulling away from whatever. Isn't that stupid? Yes. So, in a way, I did care about what people thought but only in the sense of disappointment. I didn't want to be the reason why anyone was disappointed. It was okay to abuse myself as long as I was making someone else happy. It’s the people pleaser syndrome.

I let myself get out of control and it’s time for me to reel myself back in and I know it’s going to take some getting used to but the end result will be worth it. I’d rather be someone that is with you, giving you my undivided attention, without thinking about the fact that I’ve got to get going because I have to be on my way to the next excursion or feeling guilty because I should be doing homework. Wouldn’t you rather spend your time with someone that wants to be fully present in the moment over someone who gives you a small piece of themselves? 

Back to Basics...

I've been reflecting on my 20’s a lot lately. I’m about to turn 30 in October and I’m trying to figure out what the next steps for my life should be. My husband and I see eye to eye on almost everything; not that we’re perfect but it’s nice to have the same values.

I failed a lot in my early 20’s. A lot a lot!

I spent the better half of my 20’s trying to restore myself from the inside out. A very long time ago I stopped caring about what people thought of me. I mean, for the most part. I think all of us can agree that there’s at least a teensy bit of interest on that subject but for the most part – I never care what people think of me, my appearance, or my choices. I am confident enough to know that more often than not my choices are healthy, positive, and respectful.

It’s easy for me to spot ingenuity.

I know who my friends are. I know who my foes are. I know who the phonies are too. I don’t need to point any of those people out. They all know who they are and I’m fine with leaving it at that. In my recent reflective thoughts I've decided that, in my 30’s, I will spend more time making memories with the people I love…and the people who love ME!

In my 30’s my plan is to go back to basics. Some people aspire to be famous. Some work themselves silly for material things such as clothes, cars, expensive vacations, and other “things” and while I wouldn't dare even dream to condemn the friends that I have for desiring those things; it’s just not for me. It’s not right, wrong, or indifferent. Let’s not get crazy. I’m not planning to live in a cardboard box and eat government cheese.

I just want to focus on a more wholesome lifestyle.

Admittedly, I’m not quite sure what that looks like down to the minute detail but I see the bigger picture and I like it. I suppose the smaller details will come to me in time, with trial and error, the organic way. Yes, please!

I will say “no” more often.

I've already begun this trend and for those of you who have followed me the last several years, you’ll know that for me to say “no” is almost unheard of. The truth is I’m tired. I’ll warn you now. I’m going to start being that last minute RSVP friend. To tell you the truth, I don’t want to be expected to show up, help out, or plan/organize/execute anything.  Note: That doesn't mean I won’t do those things. I just don’t want to be expected. There’s a huge difference there.

I’m fixing what is broken.

Any one of you that has suffered any type of abuse (physical, mental, verbal, etc) can attest to this – it takes a really long fricken time to mend those wounds. Some may be self-inflicted and some may be brought on by some asshole. I've got to deal with both once and for all.

When I wake up I need to feel like my slate is clean.

I've spent too much time saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, reacting the wrong way, internalizing everything, self-medicating with food, and beating myself up. I need to let that go. Easier said than done but it’s possible and I've got an entire decade to peel back those layers and make myself whole again.

I’m incredibly blessed and I know it.

I've got a tremendous amount of good in my life. I know that. I’m blessed to have that. Nobody can take that away from me. Neener neener! I have a “job” that lets me help others Every. Single. Day. The people I interact with inspire me on the daily. It’s unsolicited inspiration, too. It comes so naturally. It’s empowering. I have a family you couldn't get me to trade for anything in this world. I love my family! My friends understand me, they encourage me, they make me laugh, and I really LOVE to laugh. My husband is my best friend. If these walls could talk…oh boy! We laugh and joke with each other constantly. There’s not a day that goes by that we’re not having a meaningful conversation and laughing hysterically. No, we’re not perfect. Yes, we argue. No, I wouldn't trade him for ANYONE!

This blog isn't about me being emo.

This blog is about the epiphanies I have been having lately and since I’m such a “sharer” I thought I’d put these thoughts out there for you to do with them what you want. Back to my original thought; I want my 30’s to be about Back to Basics. I will try new recipes. I will spend an entire weekend making all those cute things I pinned (they won’t come out the same as they look online but that’s not what’s important). I will keep my calendar clear and pop in for friends events if I’m free from laying around watching TV, having dates with my husband, not doing crafts, not reading, etc.

This sounds like I’m leaving everyone behind.

Not at all. As I said before, I want my 30’s to be about making memories with people I love but in order for me to do that I need to be in a good place. I can’t be running around like a crazy person all the time anymore. I just won’t do it. That said, I think it’ll mean more if I can drive to one of my best gal pals house in Elma (a REALLY long way from my house) to sit and visit for the day. I won’t just be seeing her for an event and then rushing off to another event.

Quality over quantity.

So there ya have it! Clear as mud, right? I once dreaded turning 30. I couldn't believe I was hitting that milestone and I complained at every chance I got. Then, a beautiful young lady said that her only goal was to make it to 30 years old. She was battled stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Her name was Bridget and she passed away on April 4^, 2013. July 16^th would have been her 30^th birthday. Nobody should ever pray to make it to such a young age. I realized I had wasted the beginning of my 20’s on stupidity and now, at 29, I look back and see how much personal growth I've had this decade. Between becoming a wife, a full time student, embarking on the ever-amazing and life changing 3-Day, taking care of my mom through her heroic battle with breast cancer (and deploy to the Middle East FOUR times), watching my “little” brother proudly serve our country, seeing my nieces and nephews grow faster than I’d like, watching my friends find their place in this world (and in my heart), and obtaining the job of a lifetime late last year, I have grown in so many ways. Everyone has taught me a valuable lesson (or two). Each of you matter to me in some way or another. If you didn't, you wouldn't be reading this.

On October 26^th I will turn 30. It’s all about Back to Basics.