Food.
It's a 4 letter word and it's my biggest addiction. Even worse than that...eating. I'm addicted to eating. I love to eat (clearly) and it's difficult for me to walk away from food or the action of eating. I'm also an emotional eater, except when I'm mad. I won't eat when I'm mad because I enjoy eating so much that I don't want to miss out on the bliss. Maybe I should be mad more often. Wait. No. That's counter productive.
I have struggled with food addiction for as long as I can remember. Some people think it's a made up thing and to those people I say, well, never mind. I'll keep that to myself. This is something I don't really talk about because it's something that consumes me negatively. I try so hard to live positively and although I'm nowhere near perfect I'm at least trying. You get so much further with positivity but it took me a very long time to realize that.
For me, the thought of eating is exciting to me and when it's finally time for food to mouth - UGH I'm in total bliss. The action of eating engulfs me with soothing comfort and happiness. I love to eat. Now, don't get me wrong. It's not that I'll sit there and eat 42 bowls of mashed potatoes. It's just that I love food. Some people love food and are thin. I love food and I'm fat. I've always been large - just not this large. I realize there are a few factors that have contributed to this, some I'm not ready to speak publicly about, but one factor is that sense of joy I get when I eat.
Being addicted to food is like being in prison. It's my own personal hell. I'm locked inside of something and although I can see out, I'm kept back by something so strong that I can't seem to break through it. I can reach out and almost touch success but I get pushed back in my cell. For some, their time in prison is short. They get out and get better. For others, it's a lifelong sentence. I don't want this to be a lifelong sentence for me. I turn 30 this year. Time for me to get out of the joint!
It's hard for me to think critically about it but I do quite a bit. Constantly beating myself over the head about it. I say to myself "If you can be on the Dean's List since 2010, if you can lead a team to the Top 10 teams list for the Seattle 3-Day, if you can land your dream job, then why can't you lose weight?" And another thing is that people have said some of the nicest things a person would ever want to hear said about them and I can't believe any of it because I'm so trapped inside of my fat brain to realize that they actually mean it. I don't want the compliments to stop but at the same time I just don't know how to take it. I feel like they're talking about someone else. I get very uncomfortable when being given recognition. Clearly, someone of my size can't possibly be "inspiring, smart, creative, or kind" like they say I am. No. That's not me. Great. Now I look like I'm living a lie. They'll figure it out some day and then I'll look like a fake. Wonderful.
Doesn't that sound crazy? It is crazy. Those are the things that run through my head pretty much every single day. I call it my fat brain because I swear it's like my fat wants to consume my thoughts too. What an asshole. *Sigh.* I guess I'm writing this because there are few people I've ever discussed this with and feel like there may be others out there feeling the same way. So many times I've wished I knew how to find someone that thought/felt the same way so we could work on it together.
I've got a few good friends I've spoken to about this and I treasure you. More than you could possibly know, I treasure you. For those of you who are reading this and laughing at me, that's okay. It wouldn't be the first time and it most certainly won't be the last. That's okay. My happiness does not depend on the acceptance of others (anymore and thank God for that). I'd love to hear from you if you're anything like me or if you think I'm just crazy.
I will say I'm not looking for someone to throw a diet or exercise regimen at me as a result of this blog. I know what I need to do and I've already started. I'm down 15 pounds since October and I've been making little changes every day. Regardless of what most of us think, something posted on Facebook doesn't make it real or true so if I'm posting on Facebook about it and lying or telling the truth that's neither here nor there. It won't get me anywhere by posting about it. I just do it because I'm sure you're all dying to know that I went for a walk or let Billy Blanks consume my morning. I'm kidding.
Food is a 4 letter word and it starts with the letter F.
*Note: If you leave a comment and want me to know who it is put your name after. Otherwise it just says anonymous.
Aubrey - I don't even know where to begin other than, I hear ya sister.
ReplyDeleteIts taken me a long time to come to grips with my love affair with food. I'm no where near being 100% ok with it, but I'm on the journey. And THAT my friend is the important thing you should be telling yourself. Just by the fact you're talking about it, and recognize it means you're attempting to make a change.
It certainly won't happen over night. But one day you'll wake up and you'll suddenly feel ok in your skin and want to make the change for the healthy, right reason. It took me to get to my 40's for that.
The find I find interesting is you say, "My happiness does not depend on the acceptance of others." Really? If you can not depend on being happy by others, why can't you let yourself be happy for you? Clearly you have the confidence to not let what others think drive you. But you don't have the confidence to let yourself think you are worthy of the happiness...REGARDLESS of your size.
I say that somewhat tongue in cheek because, like you, I know it's a daily struggle. You have to learn to accept yourself 100%. I swear to you, once you do that, you will be unstoppable.
And don't be so hard on yourself. If you stumble, tomorrows another day.
I am so proud of you for this new adventure on this journey called life. I know for years that food was my crutch for many negative things that happened in life. Believe it or not but at one point I was near 250 pounds.......yes when I get stressed at times in life food can crop up as a crutch or going to food bars can be a headache for me at times. There are days that I need to work on it.......but it is for me.
ReplyDeleteI also understand about the compliment thing. It takes a lot to know that someone is talking about me and accept it. Something I learn with my kiddos everyday..... Love ya, Becky