It's a day I won't forget. It's been a year since my mom went in for her double mastectomy. It was a week to the day before my 27th birthday. Mitch and I were still living at my mom's house during her schedule surgery time. I remember the night before she had all of her pills and "instructions" out so when she got up in the morning everything would be out and ready to go.
I can't imagine how nervous she was. How would that make you feel? Some of you (unfortunately) know how it feels. I can only imagine the thoughts racing through her brain, knowing that cancer had invaded and she was losing both of her breasts in hopes of never having to hear the words "you've got cancer" ever again. Jesus, she is so brave.
It was a difficult time for me. As you all know I am very emotional and sentimental and those of you who know me well are no stranger to the fact that my emotions are always written all over my face. It's a trait I wish I didn't have, especially last year. How in the hell was I supposed to hide the fact that I was broken hearted? I was trying to play nurse, daughter, and cheer leader all at once. I remember crying myself to sleep a lot.
We got up really early. I want to say it was around 3:30 a.m. because we had to be at Allenmore by 6:00 a.m. for check in. Everyone (Mom, Mitch, and myself) seemed to be doing okay as we prepared to leave the house. I can only imagine how Luke was feeling that day. Unable to come home (although he tried). I still wish I could have hugged him that day.
Off we went to Allenmore into the dark of the fog. It was really cold that morning but no rain and I remember being thankful for that. We arrived on time and got mom all signed in. We sat in the waiting area kind of twiddling our thumbs for awhile. My phone rang and it was my friend Nicole calling from Florida. I was shocked to hear her voice. We had barely spoken in the year it had been since Mitch and I left Orlando but it meant a lot that she remembered to call.
After a short wait we were taken into a private room where my mom was able to get into her gown and get hooked up to all of the monitors. Several nurses came in and did their little "shpeel" and were out of the room as fast as they were in. We cracked a lot of jokes, as we tend to do but probably more than normal that day. For me, it cut the tension and I'm sure it was the same for mom and Mitch. There was no way she was heading into the OR without a smile on her face!
Pretty soon it was time for her to go into Pre Op, a place Mitch and I couldn't follow her to. This was it, the big moment. We exchanged hugs and kisses and they wheeled her away. Mitch and I stood there smiling and waving until she was out of sight. Finally all of the tears I had been holding back were released and I buried my face in my husband's chest and started praying. "Please God let her be okay. She's already been through enough and it's not fair!"
After I pulled myself together we went to the hospital cafeteria to get something to eat. I remember hating the feeling of the food in my mouth. All I wanted was to wake up from this horrible dream and for my mom to be okay. We headed back to the waiting room where we were provided updates about where she was in the surgery process via a computerized system on a flat screen. It was really convenient. I remember watching it intently. I reminded me of the flight status boards at the airport.
I brought homework to the hospital with me because I thought I'd try to keep my mind busy. Yeah, okay! Sure, I'll just sit here and do my math homework while my mom is getting her breasts removed because cancer is an asshole!" Needless to say I didn't get much done! :) We were greeted by Ms. Delores, my mom's neighbor across the street. She came to see how we/she was doing. She didn't stay too long but it meant the world that she came. A little while later Christina and Daniel showed up. I remember jumping to my feet at the sight of Christina and crying my eyes out in her arms. (She's like a little sister to me!) Daniel stood there and said some consoling words too. "She's going to pull through just fine!" He was right and I should have known better but pardon my mental state at the moment.
FINALLY! The first surgeon came out and said she did great! The first surgeon removed the breasts and the second surgeon put her tissue expanders in right away. For those of you who don't know what tissue expanders are, they're kind of like a baggie of water that goes underneath the skin when you're planning on having implants put in after your treatments are completed. The tissue expanders help the skin stay "shaped" for breasts. What seemed like not too after that, the second surgeon came out and said she did well. THANK GOD!!!
Now we were just waiting on seeing her. I knew she'd be groggy and likely unresponsive but nonetheless I NEEDED to see her. I needed to see that she was okay. After a few hours of waiting they finally got her out of recovery and into a room. I saw them wheel her down the hall and I wanted to chase after the hospital bed but I restrained myself until it was time to go in. I may have become a little snippy with hospital staff at the length of the wait. ;)
We walked into the room after having her out of my site for about 12 hours and there she was! Groggy, like I figured. She saw us and mumbled "Aubrey, I love you." The first thing she said was she loved me. Hearing her say those words never felt so good. I got my act straightened up, choked back my tears, smiled and said "I love you too, mom!"
There's more to this story and this certainly wasn't the only time she was in the hospital during her battle with this disease but I saw some unbelievable things happen from August (when she was diagnosed) to March (her final chemo treatment). I even see some pretty remarkable things to this day. What surprises me the most is the strength that was shown during this time.
She was so brave. She never once said "why me?" She never used cancer as a crutch. She lost all of her hair and I know that it killed her but she never once complained. Instead, she'd say "Let me do my hair really quickly!" and then she'd throw on her scarf! :) We laughed a lot through her treatments. I think it really saves a person. Laughing through your pain is not easy and sometimes you should just cry anyway...and I'm sure she did.
You don't know what this is like unless you have experienced it yourself. I don't know what she felt but I know what I felt. I know that there are different sides to this story. Her side, my side, Mitch's side, Luke's side, the friends that were there for all of us, and the doctor's sides as well.
I didn't care about anything other than making sure mom was okay. You begin to look at the world differently when you watch someone go through something like this. I was angry, scared, confused, but most of all...I was really sad. It didn't seem right that my mom had to go through more hell. This woman has been through enough. Why did this have to come about? But now I realize that there are lessons to every story.
This is my side of the story. Have you learned anything?
